We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
