when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you had me at cake vodka
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
