I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
