i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
