I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
