He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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