My sheets look like a crime scene.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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