We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
