Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
