then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
