Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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