I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
