I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
