i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
