Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
