Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
