Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
