My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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