where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
