As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
