Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
