I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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