bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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