i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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