What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
