Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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