Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
