I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
