I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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