an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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