so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
