Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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