I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
