Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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