Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
