hotel room ftw
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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