Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
