You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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