During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
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Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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