Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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