Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
