Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize