I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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