My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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