Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
