In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I pour the whiskey from now on
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
