Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
