Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
