well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
