My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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