he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Randomize
