why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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