I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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