I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
