I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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