I puked a lego.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
