Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
