I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
