So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
