If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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